When we broke up, we actually agreed that I wouldn't ever use her as comedy martial. Then I woke up one day and went, "Holy crap, we're broken up. What does it matter?" So, this next chunk of comedy material is about her. But on the safe side, I'm not going to mention her name. So for the sake of these stories I'm going to call her Slagathor. Not so much because I'm scared she'll get mad, but because I dont want to take the chance of being sued.
I dont know if you can actually sue someone for using them in a comedy act, but I'm not going to take the chance. Because knowing my luck, she'll try to get back at me for this. But I figure if I change her name, the judge in the case would look at me, look at her, look at the name "Slagathor" and start laughing. "Yeah... you're not Slagathor. Calm down bitch. This is hilarious. Sir, please put this in a future comedy set." And that I did future judge, that I did...
But my relationship, you know with Slagathor, was anything but sane. What lead to our final fight and eventual break up was a trip we took to her parents over Christmas. While there, I got motion sickness while in the back seat of her mother's car while we were going to the mall with her family. And I felt really bad about it, because I didn't want her family feeling bad, and I kind of felt like it was my fault I was ruining everything, and I apologized over and over.
But the next day they were still mad, and I still felt really back. But then Slagathor enlightened me that the family was not mad at me purely because I had gotten sick, she told me I had insulted her mother by being sick.
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Because I had been sick, Slagathor told me, I automatically insulted her mother by calling her a bad driver. But the thing is, I dont remember saying her mother was a bad driver... I was busy being SICK! I could get sick in the back of the car with my grandmother driving! Which would be nice, because I would have time to jump out of the car, throw up, then catch back up with the car and jump back in. But this family is so fundamentally screwed up, that they actually get MAD at the poor guy throwing up his guts in the bathroom! Thinking I'm calling you a bad driver because I got motion sick is like your doctor getting mad that your leg popped up when he hits you with that rubber hammer.
"What the heck! You just tried to kick me!" Well yeah, you just hit me with the freaking rubber hammer!!
But that eventually led to our final fight, you know, with Slagathor. I really dont have to say her name that much, it's just super fun to say and I hope deep down in my heart that she reads this one day and figures out it's her.... But during said break up fight with Slagathor, she proceeded to call me political names in which she had no idea what they meant. That's where I called her out on it. She said she could call me whatever she wanted and didn't have to know or have any basis for calling me it, because she was an American. So, I instinctively responded "Alright slut..."
And I feel really bad about it now that I think back on it. Because she was a such a prude...
And don't get me wrong, I dont say that just because I wasen't getting something I wanted, she just sincerely did not understand how anything worked. For example, one night she told me she never wanted me to give her a hicke. Which made sense, I mean when they're visible, and they get hard to explain to family and friends. But when I finally asked her why I couldn't, she simply responded with "Why would I let you give me something that hurts?"
To which I responded: PIURB4[9N24[980[9U3NNT08NF[OUI
She explained that she didn't want me to give her a bruise on her neck, because that would be painful. Slagathor told me that it was a bruise, like when you punched someone, and why would she want me to give her that? ... Well what does she think? That a hickey was done by me punching her in the neck? "Come here baby... come here and... WHAM! Yeah! Punched you in a neck! You like that? You like that I gave you a bruise? Want another one? How about on your stomach? KICK. Yeah! Now you got two hickeys! Yeah! I friggin' love you!"
And thus Slagathor will forever be known as such...
