Our Generations Kentucky Derby Uncut

What really scares me is the idea of what our generation is going to do to the Kentucky Derby. I'm more concerened what they'll do to the names of the horses. Because our generation likes everything faster, quicker, and mainstream, I can see the Kentucky Derby going something like this in the future:

"And they're off coming around the race track, nose to nose through the first turn. LOL takes an early lead, but l8r is passing him and bidding him adieu. As no surprise, n00b seems to be lost in what's going on, as most rookies do. And, OH! And is knocked into the fence and down by PWN! Meh and Ugh don't really seem to have their hearts in it.

MIA is no where to be seen, and something funny must be going on at the back of the track because ROFL and LMFAO have fallen in apparent fits of laughing. Here comes STFU coming around the corner, seeming annoyed at all the noise going on. Looking around I can't seem to find TTYL or BBL, however BRB has just mad his way back onto the course.

NSFW is... well... doing something to MILF that I just can't say over the airwaves. We'll have pictures and video on our website later. TMI is not enjoying the view, I can tell you that. Here we come down the final straight away! It's OMG and WTF neck and neck! They're coming to the finish line and, OH MY LORD! It's OMG past the finish line... no! Wait! It's FTW, for the win! Out of no where, FTW has come back and won it all!!"

My Suit

I was thinking about wearing a suit today, mostly because I think I look good in a suit. I've also always preformed in suits while I was on the Speech and Debate team in highschool. I would preform plays and acts by myself, doing all the different voices and movements. Well on my very last performance, I had a little glitch.

While moving very fast in the middle of my performance, I heard a snap. The next thing I knew, my pants felt very slack. My belt had just broken. It was an old belt, I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but any other time than that would have been perfect. Worst thing? This was not a tailor made suit. This was a suit I found that was close enough to my size at the thrift store, so it was a size and a half too big.

I clearly cant stop my performance, but I cant exactly grab my belt and fix it in the middle of it. So as I'm performing, my stance gets wider, and wider, and wider as I try my best to keep my pants above the end of my suit jacket. But at this point the belt had full fallen down to my knee, so every time I moved, the belt swung and hit me.

So I finally make a split second decision. During my next turn, I grabbed my belt, pulled it out of the loops in my dress pants, and threw it to the side and finished preforming. By the time I had finished the performance, my pants were halfway down my thighs and I was doing the splits farther than I ever knew that I could. I finally finished the performance and go to sit down, when I realize I still have to grab the freaking belt in which I had thrown to the other side of the room.

I now walk over to the other side of the room, bend down with my ass toward the entire room, and one hand grabbing and keep my pants up, walk over to my seat, throw the belt down, put my head down, and declare my official retirement from Speech and Debate.

Slagathor

I love being a comedian, and I really havent been a comedian for too long. However it has effected my love life in one way or another. The most notable case is my most recent ex girlfriend.

When we broke up, we actually agreed that I wouldn't ever use her as comedy martial. Then I woke up one day and went, "Holy crap, we're broken up. What does it matter?" So, this next chunk of comedy material is about her. But on the safe side, I'm not going to mention her name. So for the sake of these stories I'm going to call her Slagathor. Not so much because I'm scared she'll get mad, but because I dont want to take the chance of being sued.

I dont know if you can actually sue someone for using them in a comedy act, but I'm not going to take the chance. Because knowing my luck, she'll try to get back at me for this. But I figure if I change her name, the judge in the case would look at me, look at her, look at the name "Slagathor" and start laughing. "Yeah... you're not Slagathor. Calm down bitch. This is hilarious. Sir, please put this in a future comedy set." And that I did future judge, that I did...

But my relationship, you know with Slagathor, was anything but sane. What lead to our final fight and eventual break up was a trip we took to her parents over Christmas. While there, I got motion sickness while in the back seat of her mother's car while we were going to the mall with her family. And I felt really bad about it, because I didn't want her family feeling bad, and I kind of felt like it was my fault I was ruining everything, and I apologized over and over.

But the next day they were still mad, and I still felt really back. But then Slagathor enlightened me that the family was not mad at me purely because I had gotten sick, she told me I had insulted her mother by being sick.

OIUN408WE08NT3408JTNS[DO0IFGHNSPFD98GHERT9UN...

Because I had been sick, Slagathor told me, I automatically insulted her mother by calling her a bad driver. But the thing is, I dont remember saying her mother was a bad driver... I was busy being SICK! I could get sick in the back of the car with my grandmother driving! Which would be nice, because I would have time to jump out of the car, throw up, then catch back up with the car and jump back in. But this family is so fundamentally screwed up, that they actually get MAD at the poor guy throwing up his guts in the bathroom! Thinking I'm calling you a bad driver because I got motion sick is like your doctor getting mad that your leg popped up when he hits you with that rubber hammer.

"What the heck! You just tried to kick me!" Well yeah, you just hit me with the freaking rubber hammer!!

But that eventually led to our final fight, you know, with Slagathor. I really dont have to say her name that much, it's just super fun to say and I hope deep down in my heart that she reads this one day and figures out it's her.... But during said break up fight with Slagathor, she proceeded to call me political names in which she had no idea what they meant. That's where I called her out on it. She said she could call me whatever she wanted and didn't have to know or have any basis for calling me it, because she was an American. So, I instinctively responded "Alright slut..."

And I feel really bad about it now that I think back on it. Because she was a such a prude...

And don't get me wrong, I dont say that just because I wasen't getting something I wanted, she just sincerely did not understand how anything worked. For example, one night she told me she never wanted me to give her a hicke. Which made sense, I mean when they're visible, and they get hard to explain to family and friends. But when I finally asked her why I couldn't, she simply responded with "Why would I let you give me something that hurts?"

To which I responded: PIURB4[9N24[980[9U3NNT08NF[OUI

She explained that she didn't want me to give her a bruise on her neck, because that would be painful. Slagathor told me that it was a bruise, like when you punched someone, and why would she want me to give her that? ... Well what does she think? That a hickey was done by me punching her in the neck? "Come here baby... come here and... WHAM! Yeah! Punched you in a neck! You like that? You like that I gave you a bruise? Want another one? How about on your stomach? KICK. Yeah! Now you got two hickeys! Yeah! I friggin' love you!"

And thus Slagathor will forever be known as such...

Definitions You May Not Have Been Aware of

Bi, as in bisexual, is actually Latin for "your Aunt will never love you."

Funnily enough, the definition still holds true when you insert other hating relatives. You go Latins.

I would like to dedicate this post...

Before I start, I really wanted to dedicate this set of jokes to a really special girl who really made me want to write again.

Can I do that? I mean actually dedicated comedy to a person? I can just imagine that going horribly wrong, like "Hey baby, this joke is for you. Knock knock... no wait, that one sucks. Um... Why did the chicken cross the road?"

I just see that going really bad if not done right. And speaking of which, who dedicated the first song to a girl? Were there a bunch of people at a rock concert and the singer gets up and says, "Hey everyone, quiet down. This song is for a special girl. This is just for her, and I hope she likes it." Did the entire audience just go, "wtf? So can we not listen to this song? Are we supposed to leave? I spent good freaking money on these seats, I'm not leaving! Screw him and this 'girl'"

And what other media would be good for dedicating? Film maybe? Do you think George Lucas ever had the initial words at the beginning say, "STAR WARS... for Stacy." You know someone saw that and went, "George, you know you cant just have some girls name at the beginning, it makes no sense. You're going to have to change it." And that's how George Lucas realized he could change his movies as many times as he wanted...

Anyways, that was for a special girl, I hope she liked it. And just in case she didn't, she dosent even know his blog exists so she cant even read this.

One of my favorite quotes

"Some call it being a pervert... but I can just say artist and get a tax write off."

The Cat in the Hat Busts a Cap: Uncut

Down in the hood,
With graffiti on the wall.
Little boy Jimmy,
Thought he’d seen it all.

But down in the ally,
He walked with his shawty.
He met her passed out,
As this girlfriends party.

But deep in the ally,
It was not deserted.
A mysterious figure,
Was apparently alerted.

“Who be ‘dat?”
He said wondering aloud.
“Yout best be gettin’”
He said very proud.

“No you did not”
Said the mysterious fellow.
“I’ll bust your ass up”
He heard the man bellow.

“You know who I am?
Just look at my hat!
You don’t want any of this,
You best get steppin’ Jack!”

“What’d you say yo?”
As he pulled out his gat.
“I don’t give an S who you are,
Even if you are a cat.”

As the cat walked closer,
He brandished an Uzi.
“The cripts and the bloods,
Got nothing on my pussy”

Before they could raise,
Their guns up in rage,
Jimmy pushed back his ho,
Who was clearly under the drinking age.

“That is no way to treat a lady,
I’ll teach your ass a lesson,
You punk ass Slim Shady!”

He snapped his fingers,
And figures came into view.
“Let me introduce you to my homies,
Thing One and Thing Two.”

Thing One and Thing Two,
Pulling out guns of the same,
Pointed the barrels at Jimmy,
Careful to take aim.

There stood Jimmy,
Soiling his clothes.
Fearful of the actions,
Of the two foes.

Then Jimmy’s bitch,
Who kept quiet silent,
Afraid that the scene,
Might certainly be violent.

“Don’t do this baby!”
She said to the Cat.
Don’t worry about him,
Lets smoke some of my crack.”

And with that the Cat said yes,
And called away the two,
Leaving Jimmy in the fetal position,
Proving that saying true,

He meant what he said,
And said what he meant.
The cat will fuck you up,
One hundred percent.

The Wise Choice

Every time I open my cabinet in the morning to grab a glass, I always feel like I'm making an epic decision which will affect my entire day, possibly my entire life. I feel that if I chose right, it will bring me life. But if I chose wrong, life will be taken away.

When I reach for a glass I have to take into consideration the size I want to make sure I get the right size of drink. Some are also a bit dirty, so I have to watch out for those and leave them for someone else. I also need to make sure there are no cracks in the glass. While all these thoughts go through my head, I am somehow magically transformed into a dark cave in which I had to pass through multiple tests to get to, and now must pick the right cup.

In my head there is now and old man in a Knights suit of armor watching me as I look at all the glasses before me. As I sift through each glass, I can feel his eyes gazing on me, waiting to see if I will choose the right glass, the holy glass.

But when I finally pick that medium size glass, the one with the smooth sides, no spots, and no visible cracks, and fill that glass with my orange juice, milk or water; I hold it to the light, see the light shining on it, take a drink, wait, and hear in my head from the old man watching "You have chosen... Wisely."

Now, my day may commence.

The Resignation Letter

Surfing the internet, I found a website that sells documents and document templates so that you can make all your documents look professional. On the site, in the new section, was a letter of resignation for $10.95.

Now my question is, do you think someone can put that on the company credit card before he uses the letter?

The Damn DVR

2 weeks ago I finally decided I wanted to sit down and watch The Devil Wears Prada. So I looked up the movie, and saw that it was playing on Cenimax. I tell my DVR to record it, and I go to it the next day excited to finally watch my movie.

When I play the movie, two naked woman show up, making out with one another. And the title The Devil Wears Nada appears on the screen. Infuriated that I now cannot watch my chick flick due to porn, I go to record it again, this time checking the info to make sure it is the right one.

Yet, once again, my DVR recorded the porn version, leaving me with a feeling of emptiness. My DVR thinks I'm gay, and is trying to get me to watch porn over a touching story involving Anne Hathaway and Meril Streep.

2 weeks later, I have yet to see the stupid movie....

The Hershey Kiss

Today I stole a Hershey Kiss from my sister's valentine. When I unwrapped it, the small slender piece of paper said, "I love you." To which I responded, "I love you more!" then proceeded to throw it into my mouth and say "om nom nom" as I chewed it into small pieces...

The Pirates or the Ninjas?

For years I have heard the same argument over and over and over. Pirates or Ninjas? This debate is worse than any on capital hill. No one every wins, friendships destroyed, and feelings hurt. So a few years back I took it upon myself to research the subject and have found an answer other than 42.

When you look at it, it seems simple enough. However, it has multiple outcomes. A child must be born into one, and become another. I pirate as a child must be lost during a siege of a town near a river. The child, being young, will know much of the pirate ways. While watching his family and friends plunder the town, he goes off to play in the river. A scared village person will see his pirate clothes, and knock him out. Realizing it is a kid, they will not kill him, but send him off down the river.

This river will end up in a town far from the boy's homeland. Waking, the boy will wonder for months until he is found by a group of roaming ninjas at night while he is sleeping. The boy will be taken, imprisoned, and taken to their ninja school. Here, instead of killing him, a wise elder will see the potential in this boy to bring the two sides together. They will then raise this boy as one of their own. He will find hard time fitting in, but soon prove to be loyal.

Then a war will finally break out. Both sides will come to one place, after one major event, and finally wage war against one another. This war will last a long time, with many deaths and injuries. Then, when the war seems at its most darkest hour, this boy will arise. Being of both Ninja and Pirate, he will become a rallying point. He will rise up, bringing both ninja and pirates together. Finally, he shall bring both sides together. If he brings the sides together through force or peace will yet to be seen....


The only way to ever find a solution is to have someone of both sides, and this will, in the end, bring a stop to this ongoing, relentless, nerd argument.

The Love of Heels

I love high heels, probably too much. I don't have a creepy fetish love of heels, I just simply like the way they look.It's such an odd and awkward thing to love heels because you cant really compliment on a girl's shoes without coming off like a creeper or a gay guy. I come off more as a creeper because I can say "I love your heels" in 4 difference languages, not counting pig latin.

The major problem I have is that you can hear heels coming, depending on the type of the floor. If it's a tile floor, you can hear them coming from around the corner and down the hall. And hearing that amazing click every time a heel hits the floor, my minds goes through multiple ways to get a look at the shoes. Because if not done correctly, you can be a creeper staring at the girls feet, in which case the walk/run away faster. But if you wait too long and look at a girl as she's walking away, you look like you're checking out her ass, and I hate getting those weird looks by other girls when they think I'm staring at a walking away girl.

All in all there are multiple ways to see a girls heels. There is the fake sneeze where you hold your head down for a period as the girl walks away. There is the itchy nose in with you brush your nose against your shoulder on the side she's walking by. The, "I must tie my shoe" is pretty self explanatory. The "Oh no, I dropped something out of my pocket."

And, the one I seem to use far too often and with a too high rate of success, "Oh, my, God! Your shoes, they're just... gorgeous! Where did you get them???" Shut up, it works.

Things I appearently wrote a 2 a.m.

Three Wishes

"If you are granted 3 wish, and your first wish is NOT fore more wishes, you should be publicly stones.

Yeah, there might be a rule against wishing for more wishes. So... *hits head* wish for a change of rules!

Biggest three wish wastes:

1. Millonaire
The IRS is gonna want to know where that money came from

2. Live Forever
When nuclear hollocasts comes, It's you and your new cockroach friends

3. (unreadable for the rest of the entry)"

One of my favorate quotes

"Please, calling you a home-wrecker is like calling a guy who walks around throwing dirt on houses destroyed by tornado a home-wrecker... "

The Drawing Girl

As I was sitting in the library today, trying to study, I ended up walking around to clear my head. I saw a woman sitting in the corner near my study spot with a large pad of paper drawing the scene in front of her in the library.

The fact that someone found library shelves fascinating enough to draw didn't throw me. What threw me was the fact I was worried if i walked in front of her it would mess up her picture. I suddenly saw this girl as taking a picture, and I didn't want to mess it up. Which then got me thinking:

What if I actually did walk by her? Would I show up blurry in her drawing? What if I just suddenly walked up and stopped in the middle of her scene, standing there and forcing her to draw me in her picture? I mean in a scene of a library, I wouldn't really be messing up the picture...

Then I got thinking, do you think the way we duck out of pictures was the same way they did in medieval times? Did simple snap shots take forever, and would they even call them snap shots?

"Hold it, hold it... hang on... Oh crap, I drew the left line on your face wrong and now it's blurry. I'm going to have to take another snap drawing... It's gonna be another half hour guys..."